Tea and Thoughts
I am learning and growing so much, and I wish I could just sweep up all my loved ones and carry them on this journey with me. How can I express all that I desire and bring sufficient glory to God? I cannot...so I beg you to sense the work of our mighty God in my life as I express my small things.
I'm finally learning to lay down my life for others. It's excrutiating, and exhilerating, terrifying, and thrilling. And, it's definitely one of the hardest lessons I've ever learned...truly a battle each day. I must tell you, I often don't choose to fight it. It's ever so much easier to fight for myself...to seek earthly prizes such as beauty and time and money and comfort. But slowly, like each drip of Chinese torture, the Holy Spirit increases my soul's awareness of self...and imprisonment in that great cell. And with each painful drip, my wings of freedom grow stronger. Don't we long for that freedom from indulgent self, and yet carry a paralyzing fear of it through all things? I do, and pray God to conquer the fear each time it arises...it's still very potent.
Jesus is the prize. Do I want it? Wouldn't I rather have the prize of a beautiful heaven, or a perfect marriage, or even a successful Christian life? Ironic isn't it. It seems that in the name of Jesus, we seek prizes apart from Him. And until I realized this...I would have been sorely disappointed in the reality of it. Perhaps my vibrant imagination makes it easier for me to love Jesus and want Him, only Him...for that is what we are supposed to want. But in our humanity...Jesus is a two-thousand year old icon of all that we seek and love. Even as we are called to love a great many things, we are also called to love only Jesus. When it hit me that I was seeking the wrong prizes (and still do very easily), I opened up Matthew and began to read slowly and very very carefully...for who is the Jesus that I am supposed to want above anything else? My wings gain yet a little more strength to fly as I begin to see the answer!
My next little thought: how deeply I nurture my doubts and discouragements and "self needs". Discouragement has to be one of the greatest detriments to Christianity...and one of the most accepted. I have incredibly strong habits of wavering emotions and feelings. And I am convicted that this is not a testimony to Christ...but of my unbelief in His ability to bring me peace and joy. And if that is true...I serve a very weak Christ. My awareness has been awakened to how completely I have been taken in by the lie that it is okay to be grumpy, hormonal, depressed, distressed, anxious, cynicle, or any list of discouragements...as long as I have an excuse for it! But how opposite that is to our Biblical example. We have NO excuse if Jesus is our future. And we have no right to claim Christ as ours if we are not going to act like it makes a difference.
I cannot say all this without making reference to my marriage. Marriage has made me so aware of my misconceptions and even lies I believe. Some of you who know me well, know that I adore my husband so totally and have had such a great fear of "messing up", that I have constantly tried to find ways to make sure that he would never feel hurt or lost love or any excuse to be less tender towards me. After a year of clinging and focusing on Luke and on "us" and on messing up a lot, I am finally getting my answer. My answer is that it isn't about Luke, it isn't about "us", it isn't about our sweet, tender marriage. It's about people, about Christ, about sacrifice. And the more I give up my own dreams and ideals and solutions, the more I bring my husband joy and honor...and the more he responds! And one critical thing I have learned, is that I absolutely must focus on others. I cannot afford to sit at home in loneliness and dwell on myself...for that is my very invitation to believe dark lies. Some of you will say that you do not have anybody to focus on. That is not true. If you have a neighbor or a relative or a single mom at church, you have someone to reach out to. And take it from a very shy person, you can find the courage to make that introduction and phone call.
Can I be terribly risky here? I really want to encourage some of my friends (who hopefully will read this). I have been praying for you...and I just want you to know.
JoyAnna, I am praying that you will find unwavering peace and joy in Christ, and that His love and fulfillment will fill every crevice of your beautiful, passionate soul. I love you dear!
Sara, I am praying that you will choose to find joy in all things, that you will have the confidence to be an incredibly godly wife, and that you will seek for those who need your wisdom and encouragement...I believe they are waiting for you.
Luke, I just love you! And I'm praying that you will grow ever stronger in the power of God.
Jenny, I am waiting for God to set your heart on fire. And I can't begin to express my excitement for what will happen when He does!
Mama, a lot of women are watching you and learning from you. I pray that God will "increase your harvest" and that you will have unexplainable joy!
posted by Elizabeth | 9:08 AM
6 Comments:
Whew...I think I got the writing spurt out of me!
Elizabeth,
I feel like I just had a revelation moment. I carry those same fears about not being good enough, not being this to that person and that to this person. I love what you said about letting God give you His peace and joy. To not do it is almost prideful, as if God's grace and His joy aren't good enough for us.
Thank you thank you thank you for posting this!
Beth, thank you. I can't begin to tell you how much I covet your prayers. I am slowly but surely learning to find my peace and joy in Christ. It is just taking me awhile and a lot of heartache to get there. I love you!
Absolutely you can! I added yours to mine as well.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I needed a good dose of encouragement today as i face new changes and the same kind of fears as well.
Thank you!
Love ya babe!
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