Review of a Year

I realized just this month that I have now been in Iowa for over a year. It seems like I have lived here longer than that. I guess it is because so much has happened. It is always good to review where one has come from…and I am going to try.

14 months ago: I was working at School-To-Career Progressions, a non-profit organization in Grand Rapids. All my coworkers were men. I started out making a very small salary, and it was when I gave my notice that my boss offered me a bonus and a good raise if I would stay. In 6 months, I had not been able to find a church or a friend. Because I had no social life, I began painting again more earnestly and I went home on the weekends. I learned that being unequally yoked includes living with unbelieving roommates…not just being married to one. My faith in the church wavered, and I felt that much of Christianity is shallow and selfish. I shed a lot of my own assumptions about Christianity…leaving me in a painful spot of insecurity. I became terribly discouraged, my overwhelming thought: “is this all God has for me?”

August 28th, I packed up everything and moved to Iowa. At this point, I did not have high hopes for life…just for a better job. Tired of looking for a church, I began attending my roommate’s church (interestingly-an African American church). I thought perhaps it would be different…but it was not. I started dating (mostly because of my lack of will to not date the pushy guy). Dating only made me more insecure. I was desperate enough for a job that I started walking door to door, and within one day, I had two job offers. I ended up in Real Estate—Whooda thunk! My career expanded as I went from Office Manager to Closer for the Realty Agency within a few months. All this time I was still lonely and discouraged. My roommate situation was still pretty bad. Surprisingly, the nicest friends I had were some ladies who I met through work. They reached out to me in God’s love at times when I was in great need. A good thing in my life all this time was my Grandma, who I visited faithfully every weekend.

By November, I was beginning to understand the dark struggle within me. I was beginning to see why I had not been able to handle “post-college” life. All the intellectualism and all the “anti-spiritualism” had left me with a weak God, although I had never stopped believing that at some point, He would step in and pull me out of the darkness. This realization opened up my heart once more for a great miracle through the Holy Spirit. A verse caught my eye one night: Psalm 9:10, and as I read that verse, I realized that I was living as if God had abandoned me, and I could drop all the imprisoning intellectualism and I could have power through faith. So I left the church, broke up with the boyfriend, and started taking baby steps toward a more Spirit-filled life. I began believing in a Powerful God again…and a God who would never, ever forsake me.

January came with a whole new life waiting for me. I visited a non-denominational church (and was quite nervous about it). I was now ready to live for God passionately, no matter what…and was NOT looking for another relationship. But God knew better than I, and I found Luke irresistible. He was the worship leader and was everything I had ever imagined. As Luke and I became better friends, I also became more involved in the church. I had now realized that I would most likely never fit in to a Baptist church, because I no longer agreed with some of the distinctives and I no longer fit in with that group of people or their way of life. It only took about a month for Luke and I to be sure beyond doubt that we wanted to get married. But we still planned to wait a year. In the meantime, I got offered at job at a bigger real estate agency, and accepted it after some deliberation. One day, Luke surprised me at my apartment with the life-changing question: why do we need to wait until next year to get married? And that was that. I’m now married almost two months, and learning a whole new way of life.

I admit, it isn’t all easy. I have a lot to learn. I’m still trying to figure out how in the world I can buy groceries that last for more than 4 days. I’m trying to drive into my brain that I need to come home from work and fix a good dinner…even when I don’t feel like it. I’m trying to cope with the busyness that takes the place of my beloved visits to Grandma, quiet evenings painting, and weekends with a book. I still have to get used to the fact that I can’t just go to a store and buy a pair of shoes if I want to. (Don’t get me wrong…Luke would never say no, I just realize I have to be more considerate with my money, now). I have to overcome silly insecurities like singing around Luke (musicians intimidate me). And a biggie: I have to learn how to communicate when I’m upset…no more withdrawing.

On the wonderful side, Luke is so kind and gentle and the man of my dreams! When I hear a scary noise in the apartment, I’ve got someone to tell me it’s okay. When I’m sad, sometimes I get flowers, and always I get prayer. Almost anytime I want to talk, I have a ready listener—even in the night. Dreams of traveling, motherhood, and a cottage in the country are attainable now. I get a wonderful breakfast every morning! My car, smoke detector, door handles, etc. all get fixed. We visit the Lake House (our honeymoon spot) at least a couple times a month. I’m slowly (and awkwardly, I must say) learning how to dance to different kinds of music. Marriage has made me see and want to change areas of weakness in my life that I never considered that big a deal before (it’s painful, yet refreshing, to be challenged to a higher standard of “living in the Spirit.”) I believe my marriage to Luke will make me more like Christ than I ever could have gotten on my own. And so, in a year, I’ll write another review!