Adjusting

I'm finding it difficult to adjust to having so much time...all the time I want. It's not that I don't have plenty to do: I can paint and draw and write and visit Grandma and work out and even clean the bathroom...again. It's just that there's this mixture of emotions that keep popping up at every turn. Sure, part of it could be pms...but I think it is mostly that I'm in a new stage of life that I've never been in before-and I don't quite know what to do with myself. I don't actually want to sit at home all day...unless I have a good book (which I'm not willing to spend the money on). If I had a good book, I'd probably feel guilty sitting around reading it. I thought about doing the Vanessa thing and shopping for stuff to sell on ebay...but I don't think Luke would appreciate the extra clutter in our little apartment.

Yeah...guilt. I feel guilt a lot right now. I feel guilt when I don't have the entire apartment spotless by 8:00 am. I feel guilty when I haven't run the errands I said I would run. I feel guilty when I run the errands and spend an extra four dollars on a yummy candle for the kitchen. I feel guilty for wishing I could just go to the coffee shop to write and drink coffee. I feel guilty for feeling guilty! It's not that I miss work...talk about relief! But in a way, I do. I've always found a sort of pride in being a student, being an administrative assistant, being an office manager. Now I'm a housewife...what I always wanted!!! And I'm not feeling much pride in it. I suppose I'm just going through the first days of shock...and once everything becomes routine...I'll be fine.

I will say one thing this time has given me...time for God. I confess, I really struggled to find any time for Him while I was working full-time. Now, I can spend a good couple hours every morning reading His word and praying. It feels like my soul was just drying up...starving for food and thirsting for water. I kept begging God to help me find the time for Him...the time to nourish my soul. And He did. How much He must love me! I mean, even though I kept asking Him to help me with this...what I really thought was that I had to be tougher, and prove that He was more important than the things that were keeping me busy. I thought God would stand back and say, come on, honey, you can do better than this! And instead, He gently took the busyness away, and handed me my Bible and a cup of tea!

So, now, after that big long post about how I'm struggling to adjust, I feel guilty for writing it, because as I look at that last sentence, I see a great gift from God. I just need to figure out exactly how I'm supposed to use the gift. I hope my husband can patiently bear with me in my fumbling and awkward efforts to feel out this new way of life. :)